Daily Lemon : Bittersweet

Lemons can be bittersweet and so can life lessons. Over the past 3 years I’ve gone through reliving my worst nightmares over and over again. Having to distance myself from my friends and family because I legally couldn’t talk about it. Having to sit in front of a judge and a jury, telling them everything I remember. 

It was the worst experience I’ve ever had, to feel so vulnerable and powerless. 

Yesterday it all ended so I can finally share with you my side of the story.

From an outside perspective, this whole thing could be considered just family drama that got out of hand. Which is right.

When I was 8 years old I started getting molested by my sister’s husband. It didn’t stop until I was almost 12 years old when I “became a women”. Honestly I was so confused, I thought that was what love was and that I was in love with him. And then when it stopped I thought I had done something wrong. I never liked it, it always made me feel gross, dirty and wrong. All I can say was I was confused with all the feelings I had at once. So I blocked everything out all together and went on like nothing ever happened.

When I was 14 years old, I started having issues sleeping, it was really I was too scared to sleep because every time I closed my eyes I relieved it all over again. I wanted to kill myself. I just wanted it to stop, I wanted it to be over. I was so depressed I started putting on weight to the point where other kids at youth group were calling me things like “5 months” because I looked pregnant. Which just made things worse. 

When I started dating, things were fine at first and then when they got attached I felt the need to tell them what I went through. Every time I did, they ran. I felt like I was unlovable. I thought I was never going to get a chance to be truely happy.

Some days I still feel like that.

This is something that I get to live with for the rest of my life. 

Something that someone else did to me, that messed me up to the point where I have mental health issues now.

When I was 18 years old, I decided to tell my brothers and my sister in law. That’s what started the whole mess. They respected my wishes to not press charges. My goal was to keep an eye out for my nephew and nieces. Trying to stay close to them so I could pick up the signs if anything would have happened. Then a year later my wishes went out the window when we learned that I wasn’t the only one he had taken advantage of. 

For the last 3 years I had absolutely no say, my choices were taken away from me. I was forced to speak to cops and detectives, lawyers and judges. My family was ripped apart.

He was sentenced yesterday to 30 years in prison... I should be happy right? I won and it’s finally over! Well I didn’t win and it will never really be all the way over. I knew from the start there were going to be no winners no matter which way this went. I lost a piece of my family, and I lost my trust in others. I still have to live with this for the rest of my life. 

I will never be 100% sure that another memory that I blocked out, won’t resurface.

But for now I hope I can finally get some sleep, some closure, and some space. I need some me time.

Bittersweet is this lemon. Maybe one day it will make a good lemonade.